I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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