Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
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What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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