Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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