I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.