I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
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I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
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You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?