i love accidental penises.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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