Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Congratulations! We have a period
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
