the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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