I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
