i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
