I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
