Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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