glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?