So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
