You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
