i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
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Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
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She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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