i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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