i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you traded sex for a burrito?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
