you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
you made out with another girl for some wings