You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky