Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Your cock deserves a montage
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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