I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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