My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
