it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
