I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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