Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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