He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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