Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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