Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
