I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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