He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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