hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
