My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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