if i can run in heels then i can drive
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
