Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
