I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
