There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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