You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
