I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
