mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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