i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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