I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize