I am puke
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
