so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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