im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
