You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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