So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
