I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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