forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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