Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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