Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
