if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
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Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
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he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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