I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
