3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
