My hair reeks of homosexuality.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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