wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
