So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
