No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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