the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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