Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
