my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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